


The Edge of the Ravine

by vega_voices



Series: Sleeps with Butterflies [36]
Category: CSI, CSI: Crime Scene Investigation
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-13
Updated: 2012-12-13
Packaged: 2017-11-21 02:02:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/592207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vega_voices/pseuds/vega_voices
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>"You know how the stories all show this magic coming out of people meeting in crisis situations? Well, it’s crap. You can’t fall in love that way. You have to know how to be together when things aren’t in crisis."</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Edge of the Ravine

**Title:** The Edge of the Ravine  
 **Author:** [](http://vegawriters.livejournal.com/profile)[**vegawriters**](http://vegawriters.livejournal.com/)  
 **Fandom:** CSI  
 **Pairing:** Sara/Grissom; history of Sara/Doug  
 **Characters:** DB Russell, Sara Sidle  
 **Rating:** Teen  
 **Timeframe:** Post _Risky Business Class_  
 **A/N:** This is part of the [Sleeps with Butterflies](http://vega-voices.livejournal.com/tag/sleeps%20with%20butterflies) series and holds all of the warnings associated with this series.  
 **Disclaimer:** I don’t own, don’t claim to own, although I wish I could have a hand in writing them. Seriously. Please don’t sue me. Hire me instead.

 **Summary:** _"You know how the stories all show this magic coming out of people meeting in crisis situations? Well, it’s crap. You can’t fall in love that way. You have to know how to be together when things aren’t in crisis."_

_Baby I have been here before_  
I know this room, I've walked this floor  
I used to live alone before I knew you.  
I've seen your flag on the marble arch  
Love is not a victory march  
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah  
~Hallelujah, Leonard Cohen

It wasn’t until Doug was out of sight that Sara realized she’d been holding her breath. Slowly, she let the air free of her lungs and rubbed her hand over her eyes, wondering what to do next. But standing there, surrounded by the day shift crew, she needed to leave. She didn’t intend to run, but run she did. Straight out of the department, to the parking garage, up three flights of stairs, right to the central, protected, well-lit space that had been reserved for her after Natalie. When she returned to Vegas, the space was given back and even now she still parked there and still checked everywhere around the car before climbing in. Even in her panic, her survival instincts made sure serial killers weren’t about to launch at her with Taser fire. The lock beeped when she clicked it and, shaking, she slid into the driver’s seat. She was still too upset to cry. If Doug, who hadn’t seen her for years could tell that things weren’t as good as she was pretending, what did her team think? Were they silently judging her? Wondering why she couldn’t just be a wife?

After Thanksgiving, things changed a bit with her and Gil. The emails were more frequent and he sent daily texts with some silly question for her to answer. They talked on a more regular schedule. But it still wasn’t right. There were times it felt forced. It still wasn’t what she’d been hoping for after three years back in Vegas. By now she wanted to be hiking the North Side of Pike’s Peak, collecting evidence of murders committed hundreds of years ago. But the research grant sat, Gil’s work taking priority over their partnership. Yes, the Peruvian Dig was an important project and yes his name was already in textbooks for it, but she wanted her husband and didn’t know what was worse, that she wanted him to come to her or that to be with him, they’d most likely have to sacrifice the life they’d built together in Vegas. Eventually he wanted to retire and write. They loved the house. They loved their little neighborhood. For all their unconventional thinking, they both loved the trappings of society. Oh, she was willing to sacrifice. She could pack it all up and sell the house (well, rent it in this market) and disappear into the jungles with her husband and never look back. But both she and Gil were creatures of necessity. They needed security nets.

And so Sara sat in her car, shaking, unsure of where to go. Shift was over and she couldn’t well be seen hanging around the parking garage for no reason. She couldn’t talk to Nick or Greg. She couldn’t talk to anyone who hero worshipped her husband. They’d give her that look, the one that told her she should have known what she was getting in to, the one that told her she’d made the choice to come to Vegas. She knew was Grissom was like. Greg would be more on her side, Greg would offer to fight for her honor, but in the end it would be her railing against a man she didn’t want to rail against. But she didn’t want to be home alone either. So she started the car and drove on instinct. And when DB answered his door, still dressed, like he’d been waiting for her to appear, she stepped inside and accepted the his gentle hug and was glad when he lead her into the kitchen without asking what was wrong. He knew. He was married. He knew what this job did to people. And so they sat at the table and she stared at her wedding ring for what felt like hours before she finally found her voice.

“Gil and I met at a conference in San Francisco,” Sara said quietly, staring into the mug of peach tea DB’s wife had made before slipping upstairs. “He was presenting. I was in awe.”

“Love at first sight?”

“Didn’t believe in it til him.” She sighed and wiped an imaginary tear from her cheek. “God we were so stupid. He was on loan to San Francisco PD and we just got closer and closer.” A pause and she looked up at her boss and friend. “I was in an abusive relationship. The kind Lifetime makes movies about. And Gil, he could have been this knight in shining armor but instead he helped me see myself in all of it and he wanted to save me but he knew I had to save myself. Even when he asked me to come to Vegas, he didn’t fight me when I said no at first. I had to do it myself. And then I got back together with the asshole and broke up again and I met Doug.” She shrugged, realizing she was monologuing and not caring. Someone had to know. “And Doug understood too. It’s how he knows me so well even know. He learned really fast to read my face, to gauge how I was doing or feeling. He even figured out the makeup tricks I used to cover up Dan’s bruises.” She paused and shook her head. She was leaving out a huge part of the story, but it was a chapter she wanted to ignore. The topic was too close for comfort. “God, see we have this pattern. He somehow manages to swoop in when things are bad and he is just this perfect rock. We’re good together, but only when things are in crisis. I wouldn’t know how to be with him when they aren’t.” She was rambling and DB just let her and she was so thankful for his silent understanding.

“Eventually he walked away though. Doug and I were at this crappy little dive in San Francisco. He was in town for something or other and so we went out. And Dan followed us there. Caused this crazy fight. I actually got banned from the place for life. Gotta love it, right?” She snorted tiredly. “Doug … he cared but he couldn’t stay with me. He needed me to be my own person. And then the job opened up in Vegas so I came here and we stayed in touch but he … we moved on and Gil and I finally figured ourselves out. So now he swoops in here and sees that face in an instant, that face I used to give him, and he saw right through me.” DB poured more tea. She stared at the dark liquid.

DB finally spoke. “So he’s the one that got away?”

Sara paused, considering the question. “No.” She was surprised to hear herself saying it. “No. Because even when I was with Doug, I was still in love with Gil. It was really messed up, DB. You know how the stories all show this magic coming out of people meeting in crisis situations? Well, it’s crap. You can’t fall in love that way. You have to know how to be together when things aren’t in crisis. I didn’t know how to do that with either Gil or Doug. It’s why it took so long for him and me to figure things out when I moved here. Gil … he’s always been that one and only for me.”

A pregnant pause settled on them before DB spoke again. “So what’s wrong then? Why the long looks and the tears at my table?”

Sara let out a tearful breath. “Because it’s hard enough keeping a relationship going with the jobs we do. The triple shifts at a moment’s notice, the fear that you could get shot just stepping out of your car … add in the distance Gil and I deal with and it’s almost impossible. I call when he’s sleeping or he calls when I’m at a scene. He keeps getting offered teaching positions but he’s so in love with this dig he’s on that they go ignored. I know he loves me,” she paused and took a long sip of her tea. “I know he loves me. But sometimes I wonder if he really understands how to be with anyone.” She sighed. “There’s always a reason to not do something, including taking one of the teaching jobs. I can’t help but wonder when we last had a reason to do something. To just drop everything and go to Paris again. Or Morocco.” She paused. “We got married in Costa Rica, on this little strip of beach near this Mission that had stood for hundreds of years. It was just us and the priest as our witness. He cried when he put the ring on my finger.”

Again silence but she knew DB wasn’t judging her. He only knew Gil in passing. They were peers and he had no reason to judge him either way. She was here because he was the only other married one on the team. The only other one who saw what this job did to the commitment of marriage. Girlfriends and boyfriends came and went, but it was the ring that kept you grounded.

“So get away, Sara.” DB shrugged. “You’ve got enough time for two weeks. Get on a plane and go surprise him. We can do without you until after Christmas. I’ll move your active caseload as necessary. Go on. Wrap your arms around your husband and remind each other what you really want out of your marriage.”

She took a sip of the tea and sighed. DB was right, but her mind had settled into the “what is the point” phase of her argumentative cycle. Thankfully, her boss didn’t push. He just sipped his own tea and waited and she found herself grateful for the man across the table. He was just what she needed. Not Doug and the good memories of their crazy few months together when she’d been working on freeing herself from Dan. Not Greg and his puppy dog eyes. Not Nick and his hero worship. No, she needed a dose of reality from a married man.

“He knows what he’s missing,” she finally said. “And I don’t mean that in a nasty way. I know how much he misses me and that’s the hard thing. I know who I married.”

DB smiled and she felt a little bit lighter. “Who is he?”

That question was easy. She’d spent a lot of time thinking about it over the years. “He’s solitary. That’s the only way to describe him. He likes his comforts and his space. He loves research. He can hide in research the way some people hide in television.” A pause. “He doesn’t love puzzles as much as he used to though. Working here burned him out.” She took another drink of her tea and leaned back in the chair, really looking around for the first time. It was comfortable, a touch more traditional suburban than the house she and Gil shared, but it was a home of partnership. There were photographs and nick knacks and memories of a life built together. Her kitchen counters were gray tile rather than cream. Her coffee maker was white and not black. Her dishes were red and black stoneware they’d found in a market in Nepal while DB’s were an earthy green. But where she and Gil had pictures of them in France with the dog and memories from trips around the globe, DB had trophies celebrating the kids and a toy chest for his granddaughter tucked up against the back of the couch.

Children were the thing she and Gil couldn’t have and that was weighing on both of them more than she wanted to admit. When they’d made the choice to try, she hadn’t expected to become so attached to the idea. Now, seeing how far they had to go with each other, even adoption felt out of bounds. No, children weren’t on their plan and that had to be addressed. Not just in quiet acceptance but in an actual conversation.

“Gil and I can’t have kids,” she found herself saying. “We’ve been trying but it would be a miracle if it happened.” She looked up at DB and shrugged at his politely questioning gaze. At least he hadn’t asked why. “It’s me, not him. We’ve both been tested. I have scarring that goes back to a rape and subsequent pregnancy when I was fourteen.”

This time the silence was shocked and it took a long time for DB to respond. “Sara, I’m …”

“You’re sorry, I know.” She shrugged. “So am I. I finally want a kid and the damage to my body was just too much. Of course I didn’t help myself later on in life either.” She left out how endometriosis finished it off the rest of her hopes. She’d probably have to have a hysterectomy to really be free of the pain. “So, in addition to not seeing each other, we can’t get pregnant no matter how much sex we do have when we’re together.”

“Every marriage has its tough moments, Sara.”

It was condescending, but she still needed to hear it from someone who’d been married a lot longer than she had. “Have you ever been separated this long from your wife?” She winced at the term separated, but it was true. She and Gil lived separately. Married or not, it was their life.

“No.” He shook his head. “But when you’re working like we are, it can feel that way sometimes.” She nodded. It was true. “And we’ve definitely had our problems. Especially the last year.” Again, Sara nodded. It didn’t take a psychic to see how the kidnapping of Russell’s granddaughter had affected his family.

“How do you guys deal with it?”

“We have a rule, and it’s a rule that doesn’t work for everyone. But no secrets. I have to tell her everything. It’s so easy to pretend we can leave the job at work but we all close our eyes and see the victims in front of us. So she and I talk. About everything. Well,” he shrugged. “Ideally we talk about everything. Usually she has to remind me.”

Sara snorted a bit. “Yeah. That’s how it is with us. We try to talk about everything but so much gets missed over the hours when we’re apart.” She paused. “Did you ever get too close to a co-worker? Maybe realize you were relying on them more than her?” DB’s eyes flitted briefly to the door and Sara’s suspicions about Julie were confirmed. Sparing him the admission, she just nodded. No wonder he understood so much about Doug.

“Sara,” DB interrupted her thoughts, “Go to Peru. Take the time. Get on a plane and go see your husband. Tell him about Doug. Tell him how much you love him. It isn’t going to fix everything, but it’s a start.”

She didn’t ask her final question. She didn’t voice that she was terrified they were beyond fixing. Instead she thanked him and promised to fill out a leave form when she made it in later. He walked her to the door. Somehow, she made it home. Half asleep, she stumbled up to the bedroom, glad it was warm enough to let Hank out and leave him there. She left clothes in her wake and collapsed onto the bed in her t-shirt and underwear and was almost asleep when the phone rang.

Him.

Finally, the tears fell. Why couldn’t he have called thirty-six hours ago, when the lab was slow and she was processing ammunition? But tears didn’t stop her from answering and they only came harder when she heard his panicked “What is it, Honey?” But she couldn’t stop. And he waited, worried, while she exhausted herself.

“I miss you,” she finally said softly. “God, where were you earlier?”

“I called you back.” He sounded defensive. 

Sometimes, she hated him. “I know. I was busy." She paused. "I ... I was busy.” Despite her annoyance, she also appreciated the thought. He understood how the job occupied her entire mind. With a sigh, Sara wiped her eyes. At least the sobbing had stopped. “Doug was in town,” she said softly. It was all she needed to say. This was her husband. He understood her. Understood everything. Everything she was feeling and scared of. Everything. They might be on different continents, but he still understood her. It was reassuring. And, he said exactly what she needed to hear.

“I’m sorry.”

“You texted.” She said softly. “Don’t worry, he’s off to San Jose or something.”

“I do worry, but not about stuff like that.” It was better than ‘I trust you.’ He didn’t need to say that. She was miserable, but she wasn’t ready to cheat on him. Especially not with an NTSB agent who worked worse hours than she did and was called off to any end of the country at a moment’s notice. At least with Grissom, she knew where he was. Most of the time.

“Thanks.” She replied, still wiping tears away. “How are things down there?” She needed him to ramble while she calmed down. She couldn’t have a deep, involved relationship talk while her emotions were still haywire. She needed pupa casings and beetle shells and grasshoppers in the tent. And she got it. She got all of it.

While he talked, she went to her laptop and ordered up plane tickets to Peru.


End file.
